I am the President of the Self Doubt club. As much as my mind is on hyper drive, I have so many amazing ideas and mostly they come to me when I’m asleep or about to go to sleep. When your very relaxed. Now sometimes I remember them and sometimes I don’t, BUT, when i wake up I know I had this amazing idea but can never remember them. Now I have times where I have gotten up to write it down so I can remember, those were mostly writings, or songs. Do you have somewhere where you write stuff to yourself? My problem is if i write it on just a piece of paper and put it somewhere so I can remember where it is,i forget where that was. So I have a notebook now.
My self doubt derives from childhood and as a teenager.( i will share about that in another post) It seems like as an adult it shouldn’t bother me or affect me still. People are so quick to tell you ” That’s the past, just leave it alone”, So easy for one that wasn’t affected by it to say that. The little girl in me is still healing and actually this blog is one of the ways that helps.
I had doubt about doing this blog, voice telling me, just leave it alone , it’s not going to be heard, you don’t know what your doing, no one wants to hear what you have to say, you’ll never finish getting it done, All that and more and I was second guessing myself but my soul was telling me that it has to be done, not just for me but for you too.,
I have so much to share with you and I would so much like to know if you relate, how you feel.
Okay, so I just came up with this title because I wonder about this often. How in the heck am I supposed to function, some days I just feel like it’s not even worth getting out of bed. What am I really supposed to do when I feel like exploding, all that therapy stuff ain’t cuttin’ it TODAY! Where do I go when I don’t even feel like being with myself. When do I get a “EXHALE” moment, because even when I’m doing nothing I’m doing something. My mind NEVER chills. Who do I really trust with my inner most thoughts, all this stuff I hold inside, see almost every time I let go of some of it it gets thrown back in my face. Maybe not right away, but let that person get mad at me about something, OH SHIT, HERE IT GOES…..Why can’t people be loyal . ”SPOIL ME WITH LOYALTY, I CAN FINANCE MYSELF” It is really hard to trust people but you have to and it’s like Russian roulette because you’re never sure if you’re treasured hidden thoughts are going to stay in this new vault or if their going to use the confidential combination you trusted them with and rob you blind. When someone does this it sets me back because just when I thought i had found the perfect vacation spot a tornado wiped it clean off the face of the earth, and on top of that the few dollars I had saved to go there got stolen on the same day . For me that’s pretty much what it feels like because it takes a while for me to trust let alone tell someone else my issues, not the ones on the surface but the ones that I only talk about with me. So now me myself and I are arguing, “I told you not to tell anyone about what goes on in here” ” You know damn well we tried this before and they did the same thing” “I know, but I have to let this out so it doesn’t consume me” See for me it’s cool to share with a therapist or counselor, but, when you get close to someone you feel like you really want them to know you, and to know that someone knows your shit and are still close to you without judgement is one of the greatest feelings, like taking uncomfortable shoes off after a hard day. So we keep on trying to let our hair down. I honestly feel like i think I finally found my outlet here talking to you because I can let my brain explode through these posts, and yes some will love it, some will hate it, and some will not really be sure how they feel about it, and that goes with the territory. See I say the things most people think but won’t say for fear of being looked at as crazy. I’m CRAZY COOL with you thinking I’m crazy! It’s not crazy it’s HONESTY! Something most people have a hard time with because then you’ll have to look at things for what they are, not for what you’ve told and convinced yourself they are. People lie so much they don’t even realize their lying because it’s so natural to them, it has become a part of who they are. Honestly I’m not mad at ya because society has a lot to do with why we behave the way we do. So many things are not acceptable in most circles so we just become how we feel people will accept us and not judge us, because all we want is to be accepted. YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE PERFECT TO BE AMAZING